With so many conflicting voices, it’s hard to discern. What does the Bible really say about the submission of wives to their husbands? Does it mean the husband makes all the important decisions and the wife merely follows? Is it just an oppressive norm from an antiquated culture that no longer applies to us today? Perhaps the most important passage in this debate is Ephesians 5:22-33. To understand what biblical submission is, it’s helpful to look at five things from this passage biblical submission is not.
1. Biblical Submission Is Not a Difference in Worth
The Bible gives different roles to husbands and wives in marriage, and many today equate that difference in role with a difference in worth. The Bible, however, ascribes equal value to these different roles. We see this in at least three ways.
First, by quoting Genesis 2:24 in Ephesians 5:31, Paul shows that the source of his teaching is the creation account, and in that account there is no worth ascribed to the man that is not also ascribed to the woman. Both are image of God (Genesis 1:27), but they image God in different roles. The husband is his wife’s head, and the wife is her husband’s “helper” (Genesis 2:18). The Hebrew word for helper (ezer) is also used throughout the Old Testament to describe God.[1] Just as it describes God without diminishing his value, so also it describes wives without diminishing theirs.
Second, Ephesians 5:28-33 expresses the unity of a husband and wife as so intimate that it’s as if they are “one flesh” (cf. Genesis 2:24). The love a husband has for his wife is meant to be like the love he has for his own body. When a husband loves his body he does not love an inferior. Neither does he love an inferior when he loves his wife.
Third, biblical leadership is not the use of power for your own benefit. Husbands are commanded to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). The authority given to the husband is not given for his advantage. It is given that he might work for his wife’s advantage (cf. Matthew 20:25-28). The husband’s authority does not make him more valuable.
2. Biblical Submission Is Not the Submission of All Women to All Men
We’re not left to wonder why wives are to submit to their husbands. The reason is given to us: “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23). The husband is the God-ordained head, or leader, of the family (cf. Genesis 2:18; 1 Corinthians 11:3).[2] The wife’s submission is only to her husband because only he is her “head.”
So my wife can and should instruct the male nurses under her leadership. My friend’s daughter can aspire to be the president of the United States. When I worked at Trader Joe’s and my boss was a woman, I submitted to her. The command is not “Women, submit to men,” but “Wives, submit to your own husbands.”
3. Biblical Submission Is Not Forced Submission
Plutarch, a Greek philosopher who wrote around the same time as Paul, says, “Control ought to be exercised by the man.”[3] But unlike Plutarch, Paul never commands the husband to force his wife’s submission. Any attempts to do so (such as in an abusive relationship) are unreservedly unbiblical and sinful. Rather, the wife is commanded to voluntarily submit herself to her husband.[4]
4. Biblical Submission Is Not Submission to Ungodly Leadership
The sweeping phrases “in everything” and “as to the Lord” are coupled with a command for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ loves the church perfectly, always with her best interests in mind, but there are instances when the husband’s headship is unloving and should not be submitted to.
It’s hard to know what these instances are, as the passage emphasizes the comprehensive submission of wives to their husbands, not the exceptions to the rule. The only clear exceptions are if a husband seeks to lead his wife to directly violate a commandment of God or if his leadership is abusive. In these cases, he is not himself submitting to Christ, as the church (including husbands!) is commanded (Ephesians 5:24).
The command that wives submit to their husbands is similar to the command that Christians submit to the governing authorities (Romans 13:1-7; 1 Peter 2:13-17). Neither command is given any qualification. Yet Peter and John disobeyed the authorities when they ordered them to not teach about Jesus (Acts 4:18-20). The idea is that the wife is to have a strong disposition towards submission, even though there would be legitimate exceptions to the rule.
When disagreements arise or when wives believe their husbands are not leading lovingly, wives should not be passive, but actively discuss this with their husbands. Marriages and families are made stronger when wives lovingly bring their own wisdom to the family. A husband should gladly welcome his wife's views and readily receive her gentle rebuke.
5. Biblical Submission Is Not an Antiquated Cultural Relic
Ephesians 5:22-6:9 resembles the form of an ancient household code, but that does not mean Paul is simply reproducing the cultural norms of his day. In fact, he goes against convention in at least three ways. 1) While it may have been culturally acceptable for husbands to coerce their wives’ submission, that is not what Paul advocates. He never once tells the one in authority to force submission. He only ever tells the one who is to be submissive to submit themselves, thus voluntarily. 2) That Paul even addresses the submissive member directly shows more respect than was common in ancient household codes.[5] 3) Paul is completely out of step with ancient household codes when he commands husbands to have so radical a love for their wives that it should reflect Christ's love for the church. The language of husbands giving themselves up and loving their wives as their own bodies runs completely against any cultural misogyny of Paul's day.[6]
By quoting Genesis 2:24 in Ephesians 5:31, Paul shows us that the source of his teaching is something much older and far more beautiful than household codes or cultural norms. Far from being an antiquated cultural relic, the profound union of Christian marriage was created by God at the beginning of time as a beautiful picture of an even profounder union: the union of Christ and his church.
[1] E.g., Exodus 18:4; Deuteronomy 33:7; Psalm 33:20; Hosea 13:9 [2] Cf. Ephesians 1:22, where both “head” and “church” are used with the same Greek verb (ὑποτάσσω) (ESV, “he put”) with a clear notion of authority. See also Wayne Grudem, “Does κεφαλὴ (“Head”) Mean “Source” Or “Authority Over” in Greek Literature? A Survey of 2,336 Examples,” Trinity Journal, 6.1 (Spring 1985): 38-59; Raymond C. Ortlund, Jr. “Male-Female Equality and Male Headship: Genesis 1-3,” pages 95-112 in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Ed. John Piper and Wayne Grudem (Wheaton: Crossway, 2006). [3] Conj. praec. 142e. [4] There is lexical support for this as well. When ὑποτάσσω is used of people in the passive voice (as here), it often refers to voluntary submission (“ὑποτάσσω,” BDAG, 1042). [5] Frank Thielman, Ephesians (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2010), 370. [6] Ibid., 381f.
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